Confusion... Devastation... Part 3

Stop Don't Start Here 

 you must read Part 1 and Part 2 before you read here.

My sister-in-law was going in for her routine appointment. What should have been her 14th week, but because she lives out of town was actually the 15th week. I knew everything had to be okay because I knew God had set it up this way so we could experience this together. I knew with all my heart this was our time to bond in this way.

Then we got a phone call from my Dad "We are still at the hospital I don’t know what is taking so long but I’ll call you back as soon as I do." I ran down stairs and started to pray, everything has to be okay God wouldn’t do this to her not again and not while I was pregnant it would be too much, he couldn’t do this, he couldn’t make it this hard. I was so scared I just cried and cried. Until we got another call from my Dad “We are going to an imaging center they can’t find a heartbeat”. I lost it I locked myself in my room waiting to hear. I kept telling myself there is no way God would do this to us again. There is no way we could lose this baby not now and not like this.

Devastation: Apparently God can and would do that to us (I say us as a whole family unit, because that is who it affected). My sister-in-law found out that day she had lost her second baby. This time it was the week of Thanksgiving, great timing right, well I don’t if you can say it was better than the last time she found out but at least it wasn’t her birthday again. There is never a good time for news like that but to make both times memorable date like a birthday and thanksgiving and both in the same year, you may not recover. I don’t think anyone can blame you either.

The hardest thing in the world is to be so excited for something you wanted so bad your whole life, while having a broken heart, knowing that someone else has a broken heart, knowing your whole family has a broken heart. Feeling terrible for your best friend, feeling no one, because of our aching hearts can share with you with full joy, knowing every time she sees you she’ll break and every time you see her you just wish it would have been different, wish you could fix it somehow.

 How can I not be happy, I am having my first baby, I am pregnant, I am in the place I have always wanted to be my whole life. On the other hand how can I be happy now?
 

This was hard for everyone to experience but it was very hard for me to watch our friendship change because of it. We are gaining it back and it has been smoother than I expected but I wish it hadn’t happened this way at all and I hope through all of it we can stay strong and keep what we have as friends and grow as sisters. I hope that even though it is so hard she will love my baby and me after all is said and done, in a way she would have without this trail.

I know that God didn't do this to us. I know there was a reason for this trial. We have already found the reason now we just get to keep on going. It is still hard and I think it will always be hard but I know that things happen and I know that through our faith we can keep going.

Blessings... Part 2

Clayton and I started to see someone about our fertility in June we waited for his new insurance to kick in so I could go to the Doctor that I wanted. We went through some tests and more tests. We found out the problem which is an entirely separate post I will post one day. And my wonderful Doctor did it by September of 2011 we were finally pregnant.

This was great news I couldn't keep from anyone but I tried really hard and was pretty successful for as long as possible. I waited a whole 8 hours to tell Clayton I thought that was amazing. I had not planned on telling anyone until our first appointment which was Nov 7. That didn't work out so well I decided I couldn't handle that and I came up with a cute way to tell our families at least they needed to know. They were all very excited.

Then I told my dear best friend and she was crazy excited more than anyone else. She and I were on our way to the temple and she was screaming that was awesome.

A few weeks later more great news. My other most-dearest friend in my life my sister-in-law decided to let us know she was also pregnant this was even better than just being pregnant, even better then sharing it with my other friend. It was now a triple pregnancy and I was so excited. This was going to be wonderful us pregnant together and she was only two weeks ahead of me. Our babies would be best friends and cousins. The only thing I wanted more then to be a mom was to go through this wonderful experience with her as sisters.

It was so fun we would joke about smells during Real games that no one else could smell and we were so happy. I was so happy to have my two closest friend’s right there with me blissfully pregnant.

Trials... Confusion... part 1

Have you ever been going through something that it makes it hard to see what other people are going through? 

I had this problem.

This is a three series post so bare with me… I am about to bare my sole.

In April of 2010 Clayton and I decided we were going to add to our family. We were ready to start trying to have a baby. Well for a long time that did not go very well. It was really hard on because as everyone knows all I have ever wanted in this life is to be a mom and I would have done it at 19 if I had just had a husband. Now I had one and was getting worried I had waited too long. I was 26 when we started trying.

Trial: I was 27 when my best friend, decided she was ready too of course it took her what seemed like to me one second from the decision to start to actual conception. 

Confusion: This was really hard for me. I was not sure why I was having so much trouble and how it is just so easy for someone else. I was excited for her and at the same time devastated and miserable.

I really had to think, and decide what I wanted in this moment. I could either me sad that she was pregnant and I was not. I could act how I wanted and how I felt and just stop talking to her, or I could get over myself because she was my best friend and I did not want to miss out on this wonderful blessing. What would that do to our friendship and was I willing to risk something great because I was hurt.

I chose to get over myself because I loved her so much and really wanted to be there. I did not want to miss out on this great experience she was having I wanted to stay her best friend. After I made the decision it was easy to be there for her. There were days where I was still wondering why I didn't have that yet but, now I truly was happy for her.