Confusion... Devastation... Part 3

Stop Don't Start Here 

 you must read Part 1 and Part 2 before you read here.

My sister-in-law was going in for her routine appointment. What should have been her 14th week, but because she lives out of town was actually the 15th week. I knew everything had to be okay because I knew God had set it up this way so we could experience this together. I knew with all my heart this was our time to bond in this way.

Then we got a phone call from my Dad "We are still at the hospital I don’t know what is taking so long but I’ll call you back as soon as I do." I ran down stairs and started to pray, everything has to be okay God wouldn’t do this to her not again and not while I was pregnant it would be too much, he couldn’t do this, he couldn’t make it this hard. I was so scared I just cried and cried. Until we got another call from my Dad “We are going to an imaging center they can’t find a heartbeat”. I lost it I locked myself in my room waiting to hear. I kept telling myself there is no way God would do this to us again. There is no way we could lose this baby not now and not like this.

Devastation: Apparently God can and would do that to us (I say us as a whole family unit, because that is who it affected). My sister-in-law found out that day she had lost her second baby. This time it was the week of Thanksgiving, great timing right, well I don’t if you can say it was better than the last time she found out but at least it wasn’t her birthday again. There is never a good time for news like that but to make both times memorable date like a birthday and thanksgiving and both in the same year, you may not recover. I don’t think anyone can blame you either.

The hardest thing in the world is to be so excited for something you wanted so bad your whole life, while having a broken heart, knowing that someone else has a broken heart, knowing your whole family has a broken heart. Feeling terrible for your best friend, feeling no one, because of our aching hearts can share with you with full joy, knowing every time she sees you she’ll break and every time you see her you just wish it would have been different, wish you could fix it somehow.

 How can I not be happy, I am having my first baby, I am pregnant, I am in the place I have always wanted to be my whole life. On the other hand how can I be happy now?
 

This was hard for everyone to experience but it was very hard for me to watch our friendship change because of it. We are gaining it back and it has been smoother than I expected but I wish it hadn’t happened this way at all and I hope through all of it we can stay strong and keep what we have as friends and grow as sisters. I hope that even though it is so hard she will love my baby and me after all is said and done, in a way she would have without this trail.

I know that God didn't do this to us. I know there was a reason for this trial. We have already found the reason now we just get to keep on going. It is still hard and I think it will always be hard but I know that things happen and I know that through our faith we can keep going.